Paul Gadzikowski

The Return of Archy the Cockroach

Archy reads Heinlein

boss i ve been eating my
way through your collection
of the later works of
robert a heinlein
this is what s come out
as follows

the old man woke up and dug out of his pile of wives
and went to talk at his naive young friend named michael

said michael what is the defining characteristic of
being human

son said the old man the defining characteristic of
being human is sex you don t know this yet as you were
raised by robot wolves on a desert planet
but you will know you are human when you not only want
sex all the time but are popular enough to get it

after two more hours of one sided conversation 
the old man lent michael his wives knowing damn 
well that once they had taught him sex he would recruit
more wives for them both the old man was sitting in his 
entertainment center when a vonda mcintyre protagonist 
kidnapped him for reasons he could not comprehend and 
marooned him on a planet of melancholy aliens shaped very 
like a whale from which he could not escape within a 
week he exploded teaching the aliens some important 
lesson or other

boss i think it 
would be nice 
if sex was the 
same thing to everyone in 
the universe as 
heinlein believed it 
ought to be 
open parentheses 
even if that thing 
isn t the same thing 
as it was 
to heinlein 
close parentheses 
but i fear that this 
isn t the case yours 


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