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A TRAILER FOR A MOVIE YOU’LL NEVER SEE! HOPE & CROSBY FACE DANGER ABOARD BATTLESTAR
GALACTICA IN ... THE ROAD TO EARTH |
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EXT. CAPRICA Multiple edits showing the destruction of the planet Caprica by the Cylons (People running, Cylons marching through, buildings blowing up, etc.). During all this, a NARRATIVE fades in and out on a black background every sentence: NARRATIVE Cylons were created by Man to make live easier in
the Twelve Colonies. Then the day finally arrived when the Cylons decided to
destroy the homeworld of their creator and wipe out those left. A few ships
escaped, with the survivors in search of a new world. And with only one HOPE
… CUT TO: EXT. SPACE The camera pans on to BATTLESTAR GALACTICA as it moves away from the planet called Caprica. The camera then begins to zoom in as we -- CUT TO: INT. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, NEAR WINDOW Two men stand at a window, looking at the planet. CROSBY (sighs) Well, there goes Caprica! HOPE (deadpan) Wouldn't you know? Just when I paid off the car. NARRATION (swipe insert as scene continues – just as would appear in normal movie trailers) … And One CROSBY! CROSBY That old jalopy? Whenever I saw you drive around town, the talk would be, “what a piece of junk” (pause) … then we would notice the car. HOPE Yeah, well – (stops as realizes what was said) Hey, it was better than what you had. A horse and buggy. Can you believe the cheapness of that? CROSBY Don't knock it, Junior. It really caught the eyes of the ladies. HOPE That explains the drive-bys at the Old Folks Home. CROSBY (raises hands in a “oh well” gesture) That's all gone though. We're now stuck on this spaceship heading off to Gods-know-where. HOPE I heard it was a place called Earth. CROSBY Earth? Sounds dirty. HOPE If Dorothy's there, I would hope so. (rubs hands together) Intro to first musical numbers begins. CROSBY (grabs Hope’s arm to steady him) Hold on, Kiddo. I think we’ve just set up the band for our opening number. HOPE The open-bar must have closed. NARRATION (swiped insert as HOPE & CROSBY get ready for the number) Hope and Crosby are at it again! And this time they have all of civilization to entertain on – (swipe to new NARRATION that fills screen) THE ROAD TO EARTH! HOPE & CROSBY begin to sing and strut a little with the music. HOPE & CROSBY (singing) Earth-bound, my buddy and me Earth-bound, oh dangers we’ll see HOPE The Cylons blew the planet up Our homeworld is now gone CROSBY But at least we have no worry That we left the iron on HOPE & CROSBY No matter where we go to, Or whatever we may do – We’re bound to be together: Partner, friend and pal, true blue! Bit of the ol’ soft-shoe from the pair during instrumental portion of song. HOPE & CROSBY (join arms for a moment as lyrics come back in) Earth-bound, me and my chum Look out for toasters with guns CROSBY We stuck here on Galactica Stopping Cylons is our duty HOPE Which is tough, ‘cause they look like us And some of them are cuties CROSBY (speaking) Did you see that Sharon? HOPE (speaking) It’s enough to make your spine glow! Grrrr! HOPE & CROSBY (singing) No matter where we go to Or whatever we may do – We’re bound to be together: Partner, friend and pal, true blue! CUT TO: INT. PRESIDENTIAL OFFICE – COLONIAL ONE DOROTHY LAMOUR as PRESIDENT is studying ancient text on a couch, with CROSBY and HOPE trying to cuddle up to her. narration (swipe insert) And if BOB & BING are close by, then you know DOROTHY LAMOUR can’t be far behind! LAMOUR The ancient prophesies state that the road to Earth will be guided by the Arrow of Apollo. A golden arrow that will be past down from generation to generation until it falls in the hands of two of mighty nose and ears. They will be known as the Twits of Density! HOPE You mean “Twins of Destiny.” LAMOUR (looks at text again) No. It says “Twits of Density” here. CROSBY Must be a typo. At least about the guy with the ears. HOPE Be happy they didn’t mix up any vowels or we’d be talking to the FCC now. Crosby Another wardrobe malfunction, eh? hope You just had to show off your piercings. Say, Mighty Ears, didn’t we inherit that arrow from Aunt Lucy? CROSBY Sure, but that’s back on Caprica. Besides, it could be anywhere. HOPE (nods and smiles) Because I hid it so you wouldn’t sell it. CROSBY (nods and smiles) Yeah, and that was a good hiding place in the sock drawer of your dresser. I would never have thought to look there. HOPE (stops nodding; frowns; mutters) So that’s where my socks went. And my magazines. (grabs CROSBY by the shirt) So what did you do with it, Tooth Fairy? CROSBY Relax; I had to make sure you didn’t try selling it. That wouldn’t have made Aunt Lucy happy and you would have felt guilty. HOPE (smirking; doesn’t believe a word of it; sarcastic) You were trying to make me feel better. Only looking out for me. I see. I get it. So where is it? CROSBY Phil’s Pawn Shop, corner of Fifth and Main. HOPE You sold it! I knew it, you fink! CROSBY Now, now, Junior. Look – (pulls out stub from pocket) – see, I still have the pawn ticket here. HOPE That’s great. What if someone bought it? CROSBY Who would buy a crummy old arrow? Besides if I hadn’t sold that the morning of the attack, we wouldn’t have been able to pay for our tickets to Galactica? LAMOUR (concerned) We were a rescue operation. We didn’t make anyone pay to get on the ship. crosby (not quite understanding) You didn’t? lamour No. crosby (snaps fingers) I guess I shouldn’t have paid extra for king-size beds then. hope It does explain why the Magic Fingers doesn’t work. LAMOUR But you two are destined to lead us to Earth with the Arrow. We must have it to survive. If it is still on Caprica, then that means just one thing. HOPE We surrender? CROSBY No, I see where she’s heading, Junior. And that’s right back to Caprica to get that arrow! HOPE (pats CROSBY on the knee) Well, have fun on the trip. I’ll make sure to remember you every time I listen to “White Christmas.” CROSBY On the contrary, my lad, I think you should be going. After all, you were always Aunt Lucy’s favorite. It wouldn’t be fair to send me. Besides, age before beauty, y’know. hope In this case, I think you mean pearl before swine. LAMOUR Listen - both of you are prophesized to find the arrow, so both of you have to go. HOPE To Caprica? Where there’s Cylons and radiation and spinach? CROSBY Why did you mention spinach? HOPE (shrugs) Never cared for it. LAMOUR There are Cylons there, no doubt. Not to mention radiation and possible human survivors out for blood. Still, it is a risk we must take. HOPE I like the surrender idea better. LAMOUR (ignores HOPE’S comment) I’ll make the arrangements for us to ship out tonight. HOPE (nods) I’ll make a break for the airlock. CROSBY I’ll join you. Both begins to sit up but are pushed back down by LAMOUR, as the film swipes to the next scene. CUT TO: INT. SCIENCE LAB ON GALACTICA ANTHONY QUINN as BALTAR and JANE RUSSELL as NUMBER SIX are discussing the mission HOPE, CROSBY and LAMOUR are about to go on. NARRATION (swipe insert) But there are those onboard working for the Cylons who are out to get our trio! (insert next swipe narration) Anthony Quinn … QUINN If those two lunkheads obtain the Arrow of Apollo and bring it back, we may never be able to destroy the final colony! NARRATION … or are really Cylons in human disguise! (insert next swipe narration) Jane Russell! RUSSELL (teasingly messing with QUINN’s hair) Don’t worry, lover. I have ways of making men do my bidding. CUT TO: A DINGY BAR ON CAPRICA, full of resistance fighters who await a show on-stage. The curtain pulls back to show HOPE and CROSBY in their vaudevillian attire. NARRATION (swipe insert) Nor is meeting up with the resistance on Caprica any easier! HOPE (stepping forward and singing) This is the story of Asteroid Sam To all appearances, a happy young man But now he was sad; sunk in the dumps For he found that love was really for chumps (steps back) CROSBY (steps forward, hat in hand) I, Asteroid Sam, have traveled to planets afar Saw all the ladies there were in the stars None could move me ‘till Sue I sent eyes on Then I found out that she was a Cylon HOPE & CROSBY (move together to harmonize) Oh, what to do, Poor Sam said with tears My true heart is an appliance from Sears HOPE & CROSBY each fall on one knee and hold out their hats and arms as if awaiting applause. Audience looks angry and bored. crosby (mutters to HOPE) Yeesh. Tough crowd. hope (mutters back) I’m going to have to write to the board at the USO. CUT TO: EXT. CAPRICA VACANT CITY HOPE & CROSBY are surrounded by Cylons (not the Humanoid ones, but the huge, nasty metal Centurion ones). There is a Centurion between, and a little to the back, of them. BALTAR/QUINN stands near-by, telling HOPE & CROSBY to surrender the location of the arrow. NARRATION (swipe insert) …But wherever HOPE & CROSBY go to - trouble is sure to find them! QUINN Since you won’t tell us where the arrow is, you will be taken to the Cylon command center here on Caprica to be tortured. We are through playing games. HOPE (smiles and looks at Oh, they’re through playing games. (smiles, as he knows what is coming) Yes they are. But we know a game they haven’t played yet. Right, kid? HOPE Yesiree. Let’s show them, huh? CROSBY Sure. HOPE & CROSBY (bend over a little to play pat-a-cake) Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake Baker’s Man Bake me a cake as fast as you – CAN! HOPE & CROSBY swing a punch at the guts of the Cylon behind them. Clanging sounds are heard as they connect their fists with the Cylon. The Cylon doesn’t react and they withdraw their fists in pain. HOPE How come this never works anymore? CROSBY Too much iron in their diet. HOPE Talk about your abs of steel. The Cylon grabs HOPE & CROSBY and they find they cannot get away, although they struggle. QUINN Take them away! The Cylon drags HOPE & CROSBY away as they continue to mutter. HOPE Hey, wait! I want my lawyer! I want my agent! I want a mechanic! CROSBY Hey, watch the shirt, I have dinner plans later. CUT TO: EXT/INT. PRISON CELL HOPE is inside at window with iron bars. LAMOUR is outside, looking in as the two serenades each other with a song. NARRATION (swipe insert) WITH SIX NEW SONGS! LAMOUR With planets afar Like hearts ever are Love is not easily Acquired CROSBY But coldness of space Can never replace The fire within us Desire LAMOUR Can this be the sun? Has love finally won? Will passion burn In us always? CROSBY If stars must collide All is right by your side Infinity can’t compare To our days CROSBY & LAMOURE (singing together) Love is the world, The stars and universe Just say the word In a song or a verse … The songs continues, but since this is a trailer, we – CUT TO: INT. NUMBER SIX’S APARTMENT It’s a cozy little place, and RUSSELL is vamping it up with HOPE on a loveseat in order to get information from him. RUSSELL I don’t wish to have them torture you. (hides head in hands as if crying; turns away from HOPE; camera shows her rolling her eyes at her own words) hope (puts hands on Russell’s arms to calm her) Oh, honey, I can take it. I’m used to Bing’s singing after all. russell (turns back to HOPE) You see, we Cylons are really not that different from you Humans, you know. We just have the one true faith, strict moral principles, and will wipe out all degenerates that would oppose us. HOPE Oh, you’re Republicans! CUT TO: INT. BALTAR’S OFFICE ON CAPRICA QUINN has LAMOUR in his office, where she is obviously resisting him. He grabs her by the arm to gain her attention. QUINN (threatens, as he holds up the arrow) As you can see, we have located the arrow without the help of your two idiots. We have no need to torture them -- (pause) --But we will unless you agree to marry me, Madame President! CUT TO: INT. DOORWAY TO NUMBER SIX’S APARTMENT CROSBY & LAMOUR are outside of apartment trying to convince HOPE to leave with them. They have the Arrow of Apollo with them. Hope is wearing an after-dinner jacket and smoking a cigarette in a holder. He obviously doesn’t want to leave RUSSELL. CROSBY C’mon, Junior, we’ve got the arrow! Now we just got to get out of here! HOPE I’m sorry, I have to get back to being tortured. (rolls eyes to the heavens) Oh! The havoc my body has been through! LAMOUR But don’t you see? That’s Number Six in there with you! HOPE If that’s a Six, I can’t wait to see what a Ten looks like. Grrrrrr! LAMOUR & CROSBY start dragging him out as we -- CUT TO: EXT. SPACE Three vipers – filled with our heroes – are trying to out-maneuver the Cylons. CUT TO: INT. LAMOUR’S VIPER COCKPIT LAMOUR (worried) We’re done for. We can’t outflank them. CUT TO: INT. CROSBY’S VIPER COCKPIT CROSBY (spies something and squints) Wait! What’s that behind that asteroid? CUT TO: Millennium Falcon appears from behind an asteroid and begins blasting the Cylons away. CUT TO: INT. HOPE’S VIPER COCKPIT RUSSELL is somehow squeezed into the cockpit with HOPE. No explanation as to why, but the Cylon has obviously fallen for the lunkhead. HOPE (smiles) I called in a favor. LUCAS (voice-over) Okay kid, you’re all clear! CUT TO: INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON COCKPIT George Lucas sits at the controls. Lucas gives a thumb’s up. LUCAS Good luck! CUT TO: EXT. SPACE Millennium Falcon flies off, leaving the Vipers to go on their way. CUT TO: INT. HOPE’S VIPER COCKPIT HOPE Yeah, I know he’s wanted to do that to the Cylons for a LONG time! narration (as Vipers slowly move away from the camera) There are laughs and adventure awaiting you when you see – BOB HOPE BING CROSBY DOROTHY LAMOUR In THE ROAD TO EARTH! Coming soon!
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For those that don’t follow BATTLESTAR GALACTICA:
For those who don’t know THE ROAD TO pictures:
Lastly – it sounds corny, but I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it!
Happy Holidays!
Dale Sherman
ROAD TO EARTH is copyrighted Dale Sherman 2006. All names of characters and persons living or dead are that of original owners and the author does not assume ownership of such names. Any wish to reprint, please contact the author. |
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